Centering

Well, my last journal was last summer.  I have been trying to get my diabetes under control.  Today I want to get myself centered.

Two weeks ago, I decided to go over to the church to have time with God.  I got there around 10:00 a.m. to find the lobby completely full of people.  I went into the church and there were people everywhere.  I waited until the noise stopped.

When the church was completely quiet, I started quieting my body and my soul.  I centered on my God and my All.

While my eyes were closed I keeped seeing a face.  At first I thought there was someone in front of me in the church trying to get my attention.  Three times I opened my eyes to find that there wasn't anyone in the church.  I decided to let go and let God take over.  I closed my eyes again and the face appeared a fourth time.  In past experiences when this face appeared I could make out only an outline.  I could see dark hair, rather long and a beard and moustache also dark.  This time, I could see big eyes.  They were coming at my face.  As they kept coming, they kept getting bigger and bigger.  I then felt pressure against my forehead as if this image was pressing against my forehead. 

I opened my eyes and felt a little scared.  I could still feel the pressure against my forehead.  That feeling stayed with me most of the morning.

I am not sure what to expect next!  Whatever happens will be truly awesome!

Well, allot has happened since I last journaled on June 13th.  On the 15th, I had hernia repair surgery done on my left side as an outpatient.  I seemed to do alright until June 18th.  I started running a fever, nothing serious, very low grade, but persistent.  I just didn't feel very good for just having a minor repair surgery.

Father's Day, the whole family went out to Katie's house for a BBQ.  I sat the whole time and was very uncomfortable and weak.  I was still running a fever.  On Monday the 20th, I was still feeling kind of sick.  So I decided on Tuesday, June 21st to call the doctor for an appointment.  I was examined and it was decided that I should go to the emergency room to be checked for an infection at the surgical site.  I got there at 3:30 in the afternoon and never was sent home.  I had more surgery on June 22nd because I had allot of fluid buildup at the site.

On June 23rd, a wound vac (vacuum cleaner) was inserted at the site to collect any fluid.  I was told that I would heal from the inside out instead of from the outside in.  The vac was on until July 18th.  I didn't have any real pain until the dressings had to be changed, which was every other day.  I did heal wonderfully!  The nurse that would come to the house was very surprised that I healed up so quickly.

Now, I have developed hypertension.  I am on two medicines for the condition.  I am also experiencing some dizzy spells and numbness in my hands and feet.  Blood work is being done to try to find out what is going on.

Yesterday, my granddaughter, Gaby broke her arm.  She fell from the monkey bars at school.  She is only ten years old.  I hate to think of her in pain.  She is always a happy girl, full of energy and love.

So has I recover from all the excitement and health issues, I wonder, what God will have me experience next.

Today, we are going to a Day of Recollection with our SFO fraternity and all of the fraternities in our region.  I can't wait to see everyone again!  It has been too long! 

Well, this is it, our big day!

I have been tied up in knots now for a few days.  I wonder if Mother Teresa or Pope John Paul II ever had this problem when they were about to commit their every move to the Lord?

My husband Tom, is as cool as a cucumber about his decision.  Sometimes I wonder if God was calling me to the Franciscan to get to Tom?  Tom says that He really wants both of us. 

Yesterday was our practice for the ceremony.  Tom saw a stained glass window of the Blessed Mother.  His immediate response was that She had wanted us to serve Her Son from the beginning.  Tom thinks that God sent His Mother to do the work and we would have to obey because She is our Mother too.  Sounds reasonable!

Last night all I wanted to do was go and find someone to talk to about my feelings other than Tom.  Someone who was not so close to the situation.  I went to bed instead.  It is now 1:50 a.m., June 13, 2011, and I am wide awake.  It could be excitement and a little fear of what my journey with the Lord will have in store for me.

I am ready and willing Lord.  Let the journey begin!  Lets Celebrate Together!

Only four more days until my husband Tom and I are professed in the Secular Franciscan Order.  I have been so emotional.  Today, I am very happy and joyful.  This morning I said to Tom that all I wanted to do was spend the day with him and in prayer.  He wanted that too.  Of course, though, he is not done with school yet.  Tomorrow is his last day until July 25th.  Then the rat race starts again.

Saturday is our 35th wedding anniversary.  We were hoping to go somewhere for a quiet day of prayer and reflection.  We have been trying to think of where we want to go.  Nothing is coming to mind.  We don't have allot of money to travel by car for one day.  We would need gas money.  We were planning to pack a picnic lunch.  So food would not be a problem.

I just had an idea.  I think that God planted it in my head.  I could take some money out of the saving account.  We really don't have allot saved for the summer though.  Tom will not have a paycheck in the month of July and part of August.  I will still have my retirement checks all summer.  We will be stretching our budget very thin.  I know that God will provide for us.  I guess I don't have very much Faith though.

I wonder if I am being tested?  Time will tell!

Our Profession as Secular Franciscans is only nineteen days away. 

How do you feel about it right now, JoAnne?  I feel excited, scared, joyful, and emotional, like I am going to cry.  I wonder if all these feelings are normal?

My Tom and I have been through so much these last three years.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster.  My emotions are all over the place.  Sometimes, I really feel like I am suffocating. 

When I think about it, I felt like this when I was pregnant with my children.  I guess in a way I am giving birth again.  I am giving birth to a new way of life.  I am following in the steps of St. Francis to Jesus.  Although this way of life isn't that new to me.  I have always given of myself and my gifts to God and my Church Family for some forty years.  Ever since I became an adult, God and my family of believers have been my life. 

When I married Tom some thirty-five years ago, I vowed to love, honor and obey him until death do us part.  I included God in those vows too.  God, Tom and I started our married life together.  We have remained faithful to each other our whole married life.  We don't do anything without each other.

I guess, maybe this is why I am so excited, scared, joyful and emotional about my Profession as an SFO.  This decision I made is the start of a more deeper relationship with the other Man in my life.  I have always had a relationship with Him, but now the SKY IS THE LIMIT.

Praise God..........

As Mother's Day approaches, I try to think back to all the beautiful memories of my son and three daughters as they were growing up.  Allot of the memories are beautiful.  Some are good.  Some are not so good.  I try not the dwell on the not so good ones because I start thinking about where I failed in my motherhood.  Did I not pay as much attention to the particular situation at the time?  Was I negligent?

I look back at my own childhood and wonder what I did that was so terribly wrong to provoke my mother to be so bitter and hateful towards me now?  She is eighty-seven and will not speak to me at all.  We have not spoken to each other in at least twelve years.  I miss her allot.

This next week, my cousin Tania's daughter is coming here for a business trip trade show.  I have never met her.  I am very excited about her coming.  It will be nice to see family.  My cousin, out of the goodness of her heart and respect for my mother told my mother that Maria was coming.  My brother said that he would host a little get-together for all of us to gather in one location.  All of us includes my two sisters and possibly their husbands, children and grandchildren, my brother, his wife and children, my husband, children and granddaughter.  Last and certainly not least my mother.  I feel somewhat awkward about being in the same room with her.  Like I said, it has been nearly twelve years since I have seen her.

I sincerely think that this is part of God's plan for us to reconcile.  I only wish that I felt at peace with this decision.  I have got to remember that God is God and I am not.  God knows best!

What do I do though?  Do I try to talk to her?  Do I just visit with everyone?  I guess I wish that my family and I could meet with Maria on our own.  Then, I wouldn't be feeling so awkward right now about the whole situation.

My Lord and My God, I hope you know what you are doing?  I will obey!    

Yesterday was a busy day of doctor appointments.  My husband had to go and have his blood checked to perhaps help save his brothers life.  Tom's brother may possibly need a bone marrow transplant.  I pray that everything will be alright.  Tom's two other brothers and his sister were also tested.

After that appointment, I went in to my surgeon for a follow up checkup.  Everything was alright!  We discussed surgery on the other hernia.  The date will probably be June 15th.  The doctor said that maybe we shouldn't wait until June to do the surgery.  He is afraid that my condition could get worse.  He did not want the hernia to become an emergency situation as it did last time.  The doctor told me that I had to get in the best shape health wise that is possible.  I now weigh two hundred and twenty-five pounds.  I am four feet eleven inches tall and my age is sixty-three.  I was told that I need to exercise, such as walking everyday and to eat healthy. 

That was easy for the doctor to say, since he was a young resident, slim and trim.  I know that I need to loose the weight.  I know that I can't do it alone.  Jesus, I need your help!  I need your strength to get me through this!  I need you as my personal trainer.  I am afraid! 

The last time I had surgery was March 10th.  Something went wrong with my breathing.  I don't want that to happen again.  I don't want to scare my Tom or my kids. 

Please help me Jesus!  I put my health and life into your hands.  I will really try to exercise everyday.  I know that I can't do this alone.

Our adventure begins........